Can we retire this awful dating myth in 2020

Dating today has made it easier than ever to find and list data points that quantify, and place value on, our romantic prospects. A little LinkedIn sleuthing clears up questions about wealth and education; Facebook and Instagram fill in the looks and social status gaps. And somewhere in the cauldron with all that is a “league.” Dating based on a league system is making a judgment call as to how it stacks up against your own, and using the result to inform the way you treat others who might be interested in you. Put that way, it’s clear: It’s rude. The whole thing is classless, narcissistic and shallow.

Despite what model agencies, magazines, dating apps and the rest of the world would tell you, there is no Top-Tier League of people. You are the keeper of your own value and your own worth.

Have you ever crushed on someone that you never even considered asking out or flirting with because you thought there was no chance they’d say yes? Go ahead, raise your hand, you know that I am talking about you!

When we say “out of someone’s league,” often we’re talking simply about looks, but sometimes it’s a combination of attractiveness, wealth, social status, and other assets. The idea is that one person is distinctly and recognizably “above” another person in these ways, so of course they wouldn’t date them.

I’ve come to believe that the “out of someone’s league” concept traps us in thought patterns that are both harmful and false. When we do this, we’re saying that certain people, with the sum of all their qualities that we really don’t know yet, by assumption, are objectively worse or better than others – and more or less worthy of romantic love.

When we rank people like this, we’re ignoring a basic truth: People want different things in their romantic partners. It’s ridiculous to think that we can reduce all those different qualities into a single universal ranking of “leagues.” Which again, it just utterly rude and obnoxious.

Men often say, “She’s out of my league,” but what these guys are actually doing is creating an imaginary system of worthiness in dating, and then deciding that’s the only basis on which a woman should be allowed to choose a dating partner.

Never mind chemistry or personal tastes. If she’s within his league, based solely on her adherence to socially constructed beauty ideals, then she should be willing to date him. If she’s not, then she’s a stuck-up bitch who thinks she’s too good for him. You know, her “standards” are too high.

Ranking women in “leagues” is a way for men to avoid thinking of women as individuals with unique needs, interests, and desires.

The concept of “out of my league” was created by a guy who didn’t want his confident friend to go out with a girl HE had HIS eyes on, or felt was attractive, so he INSISTED that she was “out of his league” so this way, he didn’t pursue her.

It’s classic jealousy.

It’s also RIDICULOUS to think that guys will LISTEN to other guys when they ask the dumb question, “Do you think I have a shot with her?” Basing happiness on what OTHERS think is not only harmful but wrong. You are the one who lives with all the decisions you make, your friends and family don’t.

So in the craziest year possible, 2020, it’s time to retire this nonsense dating myth called Out Of My League. No one is out of anyone’s league. Dating is all about self-confidence, self-worth, and finding a partner who not only builds you up, but someone who holds you down when times are tough.

There’s no “sports” league for that.

Sassy Style Brand – Fashion

This here is just a few of my fashion line that I have created called Sassy Style Brand.

Clothing should be comfy.

Why wear something that may look good but doesn’t make YOU feel good?
Why wear something that may be trending, but isn’t comfortable to wear?
Clothing should be fun, flirty, sassy, but also comfy.
That’s what Sassy Style Brand Is All About!
To purchase any of the above pieces or to visit the store-click here.

Say His Name: Cannon Hinnant

I’ve been torn about how to react to news of the killing of the 5 year-old little North Carolina boy that’s making the rounds on social media and NOT the mainstream media. As he rode his bicycle, the perpetrator (his next door neighbor) walked up to him, placed a gun to his head and executed him in broad daylight. Because the child was white and the shooter is black, many are contrasting the news coverage (or lack thereof) and reaction to this killing to the reaction to the death of George Floyd.

Though he was no saint, George Floyd didn’t deserve to die in the fashion that he did. BUT… George Floyd was a 5-time convicted felon. He once held a pregnant woman at gunpoint while she was assaulted, threatening to shoot her in the stomach. He was well-known by the police.  We gave George Floyd four televised funerals, a folded American flag, over 70 days of rioting and millions upon millions of dollars donated to his family. Hollywood held massive protests for George Floyd, including the NFL, NBA, MLB and NHL players, paid tribute to this man.

What does this child get?

Where is Lebron James, Malcolm Jenkins, J.J. Watt, Dwayne Wade,  Odell Beckham Jr.  Demarcus Lawrence, Lamar Jackson, Carson Wentz , Derek Carr, and others? Did these athletes tweet or post that they’re “heartbroken”  at the news of Cannon Hinnant’s execution death?  Did Black Lives Matter even condemn the actions of Darrius Sessoms? Of course not!  Why do you think the mainstream media never covered it?  It’s not the agenda. We all know that if the colors were reversed, we would never hear the end of it. But because the color of skin is what they are, most people will never know that this heartless crime took place. The way the media is manipulating us is to purposely to divide us.

This child was sinless. He saw no color. He’d committed no crime. I can imagine him smiling at the approach of a neighbor, who he’d likely seen before, never suspecting that he was about to be harmed, much less have his brains splattered on his own lawn. There will be no protests, no riots, no cries for justice. Young black men won’t be targeted and killed in retaliation, as many police officers have been. Hollywood celebrities won’t provide him with a golden casket or fund multiple funerals in cities across America that will be televised and broadcast live across social media.  “Black privilege” won’t become a trendy phrase and this child’s name won’t trend on Twitter. Tens of millions of dollars won’t be raised to support the battle against systemic child brutality and abuse, and “CHILDREN’S LIVES MATTER” will never be painted on Broadway in New York and have justice for Cannon billboards put up all over the town thanks to Oprah.

Black Lives Matter doesn’t care about the gun violence happening in Chicago and New York. Black Lives Matter doesn’t help the black kids in the ghettos and doesn’t try to help those kids stay out of drugs and gangs.  It’s a group that only shows up when a white cop ( who really never should have been allowed to stay a cop) kills a black man.  And the fact that every Sports League; NFL, NBA, MLB and NHL paid “homage” to George Floyd and Black Lives Matter is a joke.  These leagues don’t have backbones, instead they want to appease their players.  These players don’t understand that the reason we should stand for the national anthem is to honor all those lives that we lost on 9/11.  Those innocent people were all of different colors, religions, backgrounds, yet we HONOR them simply because it happened on our soil.

Holding a sign,  wearing a T-shirt, chanting a song, taking a knee, or going on your soap box  ( Twitter and Instagram)  isn’t going to change a damn thing!  It’s the actions that will finally make a difference.  Getting your hands dirty to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

I believe that we are all created in God’s image. I believe that an evil, wicked hatred is spreading in our nation like a cancer.  My heart breaks over the division we are seeing.  People have become so jaded.  They look at everything that happens and have to “add” color to it.  They look at everything that happens and have to blame someone for it.  Instead of showing compassion and kindness towards everyone.  That is the one thing I remember from 9/11- the kindness that everyone showed each other afterwards.  We cared about one another. Not because of skin color, but because we all bleed red.

I pray daily for our nation and everyone in it.

His name was Cannon Hinnant. He wasn’t racist. He wasn’t violent. He wasn’t a criminal. He was an innocent five year old boy.

When you honor a black man who was a criminal just because he was killed by a cop- you aren’t changing the narrative, you are continuing the narrative.

 

 

An Open Letter To Men Everywhere

Do men get pinched, groped, ogled, catcalled, stared at, followed, intimidated and stalked regularly by other men?
Do they get rape threats from strangers online for having the gall to express a strong opinion?
How about unwanted comments on their profile pictures, unsolicited pictures of male genitalia, persistent romantic propositions even after rejection?
How about being talked over at work, admonished for standing one’s ground, assumed to be less skilled, being singled out among other colleagues for clerical tasks, told that their place is “in the kitchen” and “at home, raising kids?”
You are being asked to give women, the same bare-minimum, basic, fundamental respect that you afford men. You know, the sort that should be afforded to all human beings, simply for existing. We aren’t asking for amazing treatment, simply for being female. Far from it, actually. We’re asking for respect as people,  something we are deprived of simply for being women with a regularity, severity and degree that should absolutely alarm you.
Respecting women can’t be a rule, but surely it can be a responsibility that shouldn’t be taken lightly.  Women are tired of having to be taught how to protect themselves from men, but rather why can’t the men be taught not to rape, harass, or abuse a woman? Dress does not dictate if a woman is valued or respected. Nor does it protect her from being violated. But I am, as are all women tired of hearing guys ask, “well, what was she wearing?” Or, “She was probably asking for it.”  No.  No woman is ever asking to be raped, harassed or abused.  No woman wants to be judged based on what she was wearing, how she was wearing it, and just how much attention she was craving. 
It’s about time society started appreciating the important role that women play. Women today contribute more than half to the world’s economy.  More than 11.6 million businesses are owned by women, employing nearly 9 million people, and generating $1.7 trillion in sales as of 2017. Women-owned businesses (51% or more) account for 39% of all privately held businesses and contribute 8% of employment and 4.2% of revenues.
We just aren’t about having babies, raising babies, and baking some cookies.  Women are smart, savvy, and go-getters.  Women want to be seen for WHO we are, NOT for what we look like.  Ever notice that a man especially, can only compliment a woman on her looks, not on her other personality traits?  “Oh, she is hot,” “She’s gorgeous,” or, “What a beauty!”  It’s never, ” You’re amazing at what you do,” “I always learn so much from you,” or,  “I like your style.”
If we want to prevent sexual assaults and sexual harassment, then parents have a responsibility to their sons to have a much more uncomfortable conversation. Overall, the media has told a man, in this society, treating women with disrespect is the cool or easy thing to do. The only way to change this, is to make sure that as boys, they know that this behavior is unacceptable, and that no matter who they come in contact with during their lifetime, they are to be treated with respect.  Remember, it costs NOTHING to be kind, to be respectable and to be responsible.

Your Tip For Tuesday

The recipe for happiness is trying to stop controlling everyone else. Worry about YOU!


1. Stop trying to tell people to wear the masks- your posts aren’t changing minds instead they are working against you.
2. Stop trying to tell people who to vote for- your posts aren’t changing minds, mostly everyone knows who they are voting for already.
3. Stop judging people- you only walked in on the chapter that they LET you walk in on, social media posts don’t tell you anything about what people go through, who people are and the battles they are fighting in silence.
4. Again, your nose belongs on your face and NOT in other people’s business- control YOUR emotions- control YOUR reactions and then maybe you’ll be happier.   hearts

Words Matter: Be Ashamed If You Body Shame Others Online

Yesterday was my cousin’s wedding ceremony.  Due to Covid19, the wedding has been postponed twice, so they decided to have a legal ceremony on the day that they had their first date.  That’s not what this post is about, but it’s the partly the reason I am writing it.  Yesterday I wore this little black dress that I recently bought.  It was a dress that was not loose fitting, but a little snug in the midsection.  Every time I ever need to dress up to go to a function, I spend hours in the mirror criticizing myself about how I “think” people are going to perceive me. ( Of course I am wrong, but my brain doesn’t think so at the time.)  I put this dress on and spun around looking at myself in the mirror, looking to see just how much of midsection was “noticeable.”   I hate to go out and not look “skinny,” in whatever I am wearing.  I say to myself that If I don’t feel comfortable that I will have a lousy time.

Yesterday was very different.

I usually end up talking myself out of wearing something and put on something else, but yesterday I didn’t. I kept that little black dress on and went to the wedding and enjoyed myself.  Now, I am not fat. I am not obese. I am not heavy or big-boned. I am of a normal weight for a short girl.  I don’t wear a size 0 or size 4 or even a size 6.  Depending on the brand, I am any where from a size 8 to a size 12.  Seriously, the way that clothes are made today is unreal.  I should be the same size no matter what brand I buy, but I am not.

This got me thinking yesterday of all the body shaming going down on social media lately. I see young girls on TikTok posting videos of,  “How to get skinny.”   I see young women posting videos of them telling others that they have to get back to being skinny and so forth.  I also see guys, body shaming women.  Some of the comments are so over the top nasty.

1) ” I don’t know what you are doing but you look so much better now! Look at all the weight you lost!”

2) “If you lose weight someone will love you.”

3) “Look at that fat body. What a waste of a pretty face.”

4) “You don’t have the right body to be doing that.”

5) “Why are you posting a picture of you in a bikini when you are no where near being a bikini model!”

6) Now that Pat Mahomes got his big contract he can now dump that disgusting girlfriend.”  ( yesterday, he got the biggest contract in NFL history)

Now body shaming isn’t just about saying rude and obnoxious things, but it’s also when a guy ONLY pays a woman a compliment on HOW she looks.  ( Beautiful, gorgeous, hot, sizzling, etc,”  Why can’t guys ever just compliment  a girl/woman without using her looks as part of the compliment?

Now we all can do one day with a bad hair day, or wish that parts of our bodies were different, but sometimes it is overwhelming which stops us from doing all kinds of things.  We start to develop anxiety about our bodies. We start to question why someone would even want to love us or even be with us in a romantic situation.

This is why body shaming has to stop.

We then become ashamed of our muffin tops, love handles, or flat bums. We then pick apart other parts of our body like our noses, thighs, arms,  and legs. And for what? To be accepted by a bunch of immature, self-conceited , superficial guys who don’t look like the Ken doll that they should be as they want to be with ever girl that resembles Barbie!

Give me a break!

Looks don’t make the man or the woman.  What should matter most is the person they are on inside; their personality.  Would you rather be with someone so vain or be with someone who was caring, compassionate, funny, and who supported your vision for the future?

Looks fade, who that person is from the inside out stays forever.

The next time you see someone body shaming someone else on social media tell them this; ““I do not give a &$#! about what men think about my body. I don’t care about what women think about my body. My body is not for other people, and the only person whose opinion matters about how I look is mine.

 

What The Beach Can Teach You About Relationships

While at the beach, one summer, I remembered how the weather went from clear and sunny, to cloudy and stormy in a flash. The waves were crashing, the wind was blowing and the lightning was remarkable. Then about two hours later, the clouds vanished, the sun came out shining and the storm was over. That got me thinking about relationships.
Sometimes a relationship can start out sunny and in a blink of an eye it can get stormy out of the blue. Sometimes a relationship can be just like the ocean; calm one minute and then stormy the next. Sometimes a relationship can get very stormy and you think it is never going to get better when all of a sudden, the sun comes out, the skies clear, and you feel that the relationship just took a major step forward for the better.
People these days are so quick to end a relationship when times gets stormy. They want the “sunny skies” all the time, but in reality that is just a fantasy. We are human therefore it is normal to disagree, it is normal to fight, and it is even healthy to have arguments from time to time. Not one relationship goes through life without a disagreement from time to time. The movies and TV shows you watch that show how perfect relationships are, are simply fake. The scripts that show a conflict in a relationship and how “easy and quick” it is “fixed,” has poisoned our minds. It is a mistake to think that your life can be mirrored from the movies and TV shows you watch.
Ever hear of Cinderella and Prince Charming? Growing up with the fairy tale,  that one day a tall, handsome man is going to come riding into town and sweep me off my feet is the reason why many women have an unrealistic view on love. The same could be said about men having unrealistic view on sex thanks to porn. But getting back to to how being at the beach has made me think more and more about relationships.
The beach is just like a relationship whereas when you stumble on a seashell that you had no intention of looking for or finding, your excitement for finding that seashell is overwhelming. The same could be said for relationships. When you aren’t looking, that is when love finds you. Love is a funny thing, the harder you look to find it, the harder it is to find. But once you stop looking, someone will walk into your life and you’ll find it.
I hate seeing girls act desperate for a man these days.  They are on dating apps, social media apps, all for the purpose of finding their one true love.  They are going about it wrong.  They call it falling in love because you just fall. You don’t force yourself to trip. Lighthouses don’t move around looking for boats. They stay in one place and shine, letting the boats come to them. Just remember that, the person who dances with you in the rain will most likely walk with you in the storm. And that is the best relationship to have and to find.

 

A sneak peek of my upcoming book, “Relationship Impossible”

Coming in 2021 is the follow up to my best selling book, “Hello Love, Where’s Cupid? 2nd Ed”   The book will be titled; ” Relationship Impossible,” as we continue to discuss online dating, dating apps, social media, double standards, men and dating,  single-hood,  sex and disease, plus a lot more.

With technology being the sole way that people today communicate, there has been a lot said of social media and of texting.  Many people use direct messaging as a way to talk to someone without having to “give up” their phone number right away to talk.  This also can be seen as a red flag because any guy that keeps refusing to give out his number is mostly cheating. BUT… in the beginning DM’s are the most popular way to reach out and “touch” someone in 2020.  This method of communication brings a lot confusion and misery at the same time because a lot of guys leave girls on read.

For those who are still in the dark days of communication, here is what to be “left on read” means:  To read someone’s message or messages and not give any response, particularly on an instant messaging application where it is visible to any user as to whether or not the person has read a message.   Now that we cleared this up, here are 5 reasons a guy leaves a girl on read: ( The explanation for each will be in the book.)

1) They are avoiding conflict.

2) They are overwhelmed.

3) They lack confidence.

4) They don’t see your worth.

5) They don’t know what to say.

NOTE: Just because it says read, doesnt mean it was meant to be read. They mightve seen the message come in, not wanted to open it, accidentally did and just moved on without responding.  Or they are attracted to you and like you—so they are going to play a little game. They are going to make you think the complete opposite.  Which can always back fire on a guy- they don’t think it will, but 9 out of 10 times it does.   Some girls then get bitchy ( myself included) and after weeks go by, leave a nasty, “You are such a jackass,” type message for not answering me at all.  This is how this “strategy” the guys seem to think will work back fires because they made us think number 4 on the list, when in fact they see our worth but want to play games instead.

Being left on read, just doesn’t happen in the dating/relationship world. It also happens in the social media world of athletes and fans.  Have you ever responded to an athletes Instagram story and hoped to get a response? Have you ever sent them a message and hoped they would respond to you?  If the answer is yes, then you are not alone.  95% of fans of sports teams and athletes have sent messages to their favorite players to only be left on read.  5% of athletes actually respond back.  That is a fact.  This is because of course, number 4 on the list, where they think they are “better” than you and that you don’t deserve a simple response back.  Now, if your message is one of hate you don’t deserve them to a respond but instead you deserve a good kick in the ass for being rude and vile. That type of stuff is uncalled for!

Athletes as I have pointed out in the past, don’t understand social media as well as they think they do. There is so much power within the platforms that they don’t use it as it is intended but rather use it to make themselves, time and time again, look ignorant.  ( See Chapter 7: Social Media and Dating Apps: A New Game for Today’s Athletes. )

** You can purchase Hello Love, Where’s Cupid? 2nd Ed Here —-> Link  **

 

Change Takes More Than Just Voicing Your Opinion

See here is part of the problem: people create MORE HATE using Social Media. If you want change it starts with YOU. Not everyone is going to run to agree with you at first. That’s okay. Eventually some will. But change starts from not allowing YOURSELF to promote hate which lately social media has been doing more of-  we cling to our own point of view, as though everything depended on it. Yet our opinions have no permanence. If we substituted our view for insight and understanding. Think how much better this world would be. #ThinkBeforeYouPost
To answer those wh
it’s not a platform to “ speak the truth” it is a platform that is supSee here – part of the problem- creating MORE HATE using Social Media. If you want change it starts with YOU. Not everyone is going to run to agree with you at first. That’s okay. Eventually some will. But change starts from not allowing YOURSELF to promote hate which this post does. So what happens to the people who don’t agree with the protest and others “take it in their own hands” and harm them because you were so “brave ” to call them out? Who is held accountable? We cling to our own point of view, as though everything depended on it. Yet our opinions have no permanence. If we substituted our view for insight and understanding. Think how much better this world would be. #ThinkBeforeYouPost

To answer those who keep telling me that social media is a platform to “speak the truth,” I have this to say: No it’s not a platform to “ speak the truth” it is a platform that is supposed to BUILD UP the community not call people out who don’t agree with you! Calling people out because they don’t agree with you is hypocrisy.  You want unity. You want peace. Yet, there you are on social media calling those people out because they don’t agree with you- and looking very ignorant and hateful while doing it.  Showing more people hate by calling them out on a platform that is supposed to be about building up a community does the opposite.

Seeing all the NFL players and some athletes who are in the NBA and NHL come out this week and “voice” their opinions and then go after others who share a different view.  Can someone tell me, how does that help things and how does that change things?  And most of these athletes NEVER EVER do ANYTHING to change the narrative that they so “eloquently” tweet or post on Instagram about- it’s just words. ( BUT there have been a few professional athletes who have physically STEPPED UP- Dak Prescott, PK Subban, K’Andre Miller, Patrick Kane,  3 hockey players- 1 football player)

This is not the first time we have been here with a cop who should have NEVER been a cop killing someone in custody. But because everyone does the SAME thing after this happens, we all end up in the same pattern.  You can listen what I mean here: Click Link  You can also watch me talk about what I mean here: Click Link

If you want to know what’s wrong with our society look no further then Chrissy Tiigen, Steve Carell, Seth Rogen wanting to bail out those who burned down a city, destroyed businesses that had nothing to do with Floyd. This doesn’t honor him. This makes his death now in vain. What does stealing a flat screen from Target help with the memory of The man that was murdered? You lost your cause the minute rioting and looting started.

As beautiful as this sentiment, ” We need to rid the world of racism” is,  sadly it’s unrealistic. Love is real. Hate is real. Both are human emotions. Both exist. You can’t force people to only feel one emotion and think one way. We would not be a free society if we did things that way. BUT…. It’s how you take the negative emotion and change YOUR life- point the thumb first to YOU before you point the finger not to others. Change takes works. Change starts with you.  We can make a difference if we finally get out of the same pattern we are in ( click the links to get an understanding of what pattern I am talking about) and we look at people for who they are on the inside not for what they look like on the outside. ( This also goes for fat shaming, calling people ugly,  focusing on a woman’s looks more than her heart, and judging the worth of somebody’s appearance just from looking at their social media posts.)

It should NEVER matter what a person looks like – because in the end we all have the same organs and we all bleed red.  It’s not okay to judge ALL people based on 1 person. Like in any profession, there are bad cops, bad teachers and bad doctors. They do not define everyone. United we stand, divided we fall. 

REMINDER: Virtually every single American condemned the murder of #GeorgeFloyd and did so immediately. Every color and all sides of the political spectrum. American cities are burning over something we all agree with. Now marinate on that.

 

Exciting Announcement

First and foremost I am excited for the launch of my first T-shirt Store: ONLINE ONLY!

There I will sell different t-shirts rotating the type every 3 weeks.  I have 5 designs on the site now- 1 of them is for charity!

Click here to go to the store

The next exciting thing is that I released some more of my music that I wrote back in 2008. It is now on Youtube –  it’s music only, no singing ( not yet)

Here is that link

Finally,

Here are all the links on where I be doing the contest for charity that I will be doing all #MemorialDayWeekend:

1) Facebook Page

2) Pinterest

3) Twitter

I will be giving away signed copies of the books I wrote along with gift cards and I designed some fashionable tank tops with mini tote bags. I also have signed autographs from some baseball players that will be auctioned away.

Hope to see you all this weekend during the contests for charity!